In what must have been a bureaucratic mix-up at the North Pole, Missouri Tenth recently found a bag-full of letters written to Santa on our front porch. Stamped with the letters “NSA” (National Santa Administration) on the red bag, we were at first ready to turn the letters over to the Office of North Pole Security. However, much to our shock, we found the bag wasn’t full of letters from children – but from some very prominent leaders sending last-minute petitions to Saint Nick himself. Here’s some of what we found….
S. Claus: As Governor of Missouri, I used up all my “Veto” Stamp-pads back when I was vetoing Missouri’s Second Amendment Preservation Act this past summer. Do you think I could get some more? Also, do you think I could get another list of concealed-carry permit holders that I could disclose to the federal government? Your pal, Governor Nixon
Santa-Baby: I would like some new lip-stick, an airplane, and some “Hillary 2016″ bumper stickers. And while you’re at it, could you put in a good word with her so I could maybe run as her Vice Presidential candidate? XXOO Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill
Dear Santa: I love your Red Suit. I also like how you have managed to create a utopia where the elves all work for free, love what they do, and best of all – have free health care. Do you think you can send me a few tips? Your friend, President Obama
Santa: All I want for Christmas is a Rhino mask that I can wear whenever I’m hanging with Republican Party Big-Wigs. Yours, Missouri Senator Roy Blunt
Mr. Claus: Please send me some of the surveillance drones and other devices you use to know when people are sleeping, and to also know when they’re awake. We should also compare naughty and nice lists sometime. Sincerely, General Alexander of the NSA
Saint Nick: Hey Buddy! I guess the big thing I’d like this year is a signed picture of Eric Holder to hang above my desk. Later man! Missouri Attorney General Kris Koster
Dear Santa: Please send us a new cast to replace the Duck Dynasty Folks. They should probably be robots who do what they’re told, can’t think for themselves, proudly wave a rainbow flag at the end of every show and maybe work at creating naughty gag-gifts for adult novelty shops. Sincerely, A&E Executives
